James Slipper admits to taking cocaine to stay awake during Rugby Union matches
By Roger Hermansson
WALLABIES prop and Queensland Reds captain James Slipper was handed a two-month suspension this week after it was revealed that he had twice tested positive for cocaine recently.
The Gold Coast product is said to be suffering personal issues that necessitated his use of the drug.
But Slipper immediately got on the front foot in a passionate defence of himself as he was confronted by the media in the wake of the revelations.
One of his excuses caught the public by surprise – the other didn’t.
“Both times I was at the pub, once I was watching the Waratahs play and the other time I was watching a Brumbies match,” he explained.
“I was actually there as part of some sponsor obligations so I had no choice but to stay there for at least the duration of the matches.
“The first time around, I was watching the Brumbies trade penalties with one of the Kiwi sides, I don’t even remember which one.
“I reached into the pocket of my tweed jacket, fumbled around a couple of keepsakes from TSS, and found a wrap of stockbroker sugar that Karmichael gave me for Christmas. I thought ‘if I don’t suck down about 3 grams of this stuff, I’m going to fall asleep.’
“Suddenly life was interesting again.
“The second time was during a ‘Tahs game. I sat there just in disbelief at how shithouse it was. I seriously think if I had to sit in a stadium and watch it, I’d have to take crystal meth to get through it. That time I didn’t even rack up lines, I just sat there eating it out of the bag with a Whizz Fizz spoon.”
Following those extremely candid revelations, Slipper guaranteed he would escape a major punishment.
“I’ve been dealing with depression – it’s no excuse,” he said, as he used depression as a convenient excuse for loading up on South American snow.
The ARU also took Slipper’s other mitigating circumstances into consideration, such as the fact that he grew up on the Gold Coast when deciding on the terms of his suspension.
But the scandal doesn’t end there.
ARU CEO Raelene Castle has been accused by ASADA of bribing their officials to claim that testing is revealing cocaine use from Wallabies and Super Rugby players from Australian teams, regardless of the results of the tests themselves.
Castle has not commented on the accusations publicly but a source close to the middle-aged Goth revealed that it is part of a tactic to keep the sport in the headlines.
“God knows the onfield stuff isn’t landing them any interest, so ‘Rails’ has been paying ASADA to produce false results to keep us in the headlines,” the insider said.
“Izzy Folau’s gay-bashing can only take us so far.”