Lebron James paralysed from the waist down
By Roger Hermansson
NBA superstar LeBron James is set to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair after his back finally gave way in Boston this morning Australian time.
Shocked viewers reacted to footage of the sport’s best player snapping in half as he attempted to carry his teammates, whose names nobody knows anyway, up and down the boards at Boston Garden.
James hasn’t ruled himself out of the remainder of the series and understandably explained that the mechanics of a wheelchair could actually make it easier for him to cope with having to drag the rest of the Cavs squad around the court.
Since the start of the playoffs, which have seen him average 34 points, 9 rebounds and 9 assists as the Cavs snuck past Indiana in seven games and Toronto in four, James has been charged with lumping his useless teammates everywhere.
After the Indiana series, he hinted that he was getting sick of it, indicating that all he wanted to do was rest.
Even in the relatively comfortable four-game sweep of Toronto, he had to pull a shot out of his arse on the buzzer on two separate occasions, such was the ineptitude of the anonymous drones playing alongside him.
Finally, it looked like it had become too much for him in game one against Boston as he was held to 15 points, seven boards and nine assists in a heavy defeat.
As if to prove a point, he even hoisted the coaching staff on his shoulders in game two as he threw down 22 points in the first quarter alone, before finishing with 42 (as well as 10 rebounds and 12 assists) in the 107-94 loss.
“It made it hard to dunk,” the frail four-time league MVP said.
“I had to do a lot more outside shooting. It’s hard, playing top-level basketball with five grown men strapped to your upper body.
“It made me change my approach a little bit. For a while Kevin [Love] hopped off and tried to help, he had 22 points and 15 boards so that made the weight a little easier to bear.
“But from early on I wasn’t feeling confident that the body would cope with the workload and late in the piece things just gave way and I more or less snapped in half.
“This isn’t the end though. If I can win games on my own with this pack of turds squeezed into uniform alongside me, there’s no reason I can’t put up a triple double from a chair.”