NARROW LOSS IN THREE TRIES ALL ORIGIN MATCH ENOUGH TO PROVE HALF QLD SIDE CAN’T PLAY
By Roger Hermansson
SCIENTISTS and eager rugby league fans are in agreement today after it was confirmed that half the Maroons side can’t play football following their 18-14 defeat in Wednesday’s second State of Origin match.
The likes of Ben Hunt, Jarrod Wallace, Will Chambers, Cameron Munster and Andrew McCullough are all believed to have been cited in an exclusive report conducted by the Australian Research Institute.
Their report was prompted by widespread social media commentary that indicated a number of Queensland players were officially ‘hopeless,’ ‘shit cunts’ and ‘as useless as a franger on a eunuch.’
“In the wake of the game on Wednesday, in which both sides scored three tries, and in which Queensland actually dominated most major statistical areas, we wanted to see whether the fans were right,” Dr Clem Midya explained.
“A series of criteria were applied to the judging of each individual player and we were able to determine whether they are any good at rugby league at all. The results were quite surprising.
“We worked out that Will Chambers’ two premierships, seven Tests and nearly 200 first grade NRL matches don’t count for much because he put in a very poor kick at one stage.
“Cameron Munster was a key part of Melbourne’s premiership last year and looked the most dangerous player on the field at times last night but several poor last tackle options proved that he’s hopeless.
“To be honest we didn’t have to do any testing with Hunt. We knew he was shit already. In fact, several post-match social media reviews of his performance last night gave him four poo emojis. There were even a couple of thumbs down given.”
Several other revelations came to light based on the Institute’s willingness to investigate some explosive fan claims.
“After some speculation that the Maroons ‘weren’t so good now that the best hooker of all time and two of the best halves of all time have retired’ according to the fans, we looked into that one,” Dr Midya said.
“And it’s true. The fans got it right. It turns out that if you take out around 900 games of NRL experience, half a dozen premierships, and 100 games of Origin experience in 3 of the 4 most important positions on the field, the team won’t be as good.”