VIRAT KOHLI STUNS CRICKET WORLD AFTER GOING TWO SESSIONS WITHOUT BEING A FUCKWIT

By Roger Hermansson

EDGBASTON, DAY ONE.

Indian captain Virat Kohli has been praised by numerous cricketing figures after managing to go most of the day without carrying on like a complete flog during the opening day of his side’s five-Test series against England.

Kohli was almost unsighted until the final session when he dismissed England’s captain and best batsman Joe Root for 80 thanks to a direct hit which caught Root short of his ground as he attempted a second run alongside Johnny Bairstow.

The dismissal was a major turning point as Root and Bairstow had put their side on top at 3-216.

Kohli re-enacted the ‘mic drop’ that Root performed in the deciding one-dayer last month when he hit the winning runs, and also blew his opposite a kiss, and put his finger to his mouth to tell the England crowd to be quiet.

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Kohli decided to mirror the cricket world’s sentiments in his post-wicket shitheadery.

The restraint he had shown up until that point drew plenty of plaudits from various commentators across the globe.

“Wow, that was really something. To see a noted dickhead go so long without acting on his natural instincts was amazing,” ex-England captain Nasser Hussain said during Sky’s coverage.

Another former captain in Michael Vaughan was equally impressed.

“Who said Kohli couldn’t go two full sessions without being a dick? Well done Virat, you held out until after tea. That’s what leadership is all about,” he posted on his Twitter account.

Even disgraced Australian opener David Warner, currently suspended from international cricket following his involvement in the ball tampering controversy in South Africa earlier this year, couldn’t hide is respect for Kohli’s good behaviour.

“Being a knob, I know how hard it can be to go half an over without getting lippy or carrying on like a complete arse-nugget. Bravo Virat, good to see you continue to grow,” he tweeted.

After play, Kohli was modest about his remarkable effort.

“I just figured I could get through the first hour, get to drinks and re-assess the situation. I wanted to call Keaton Jennings a donkey-rooter a few times but kept my mouth shut,” he said.

“I got to lunch, and thought ‘hey, this is actually easy. I’ve not managed to disgrace myself or my country for two hours now.

“That turned into another session. I got to tea and the pressure valve was released. When I hit the stumps I figured I’d earned the right to behave like a complete spanner.”

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Even Kohli was surprised he’d managed to make it through two-thirds of a day without being a cunt.

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