Eighteen hours of television per day to be dedicated to his thoughts on Steve Waugh, porn and his love of bungers

By Roger Hermansson

LEGENDARY Test cricketer Shane Warne has announced he will launch a full-time television channel dedicated mostly to telling the world what he thinks of Steve Waugh, according to a media release from the blonde leg-spinner.
Warne has attracted attention via his very public slamming of his former captain – who statistically boasts the highest Test winning percentage of any leader in the sport’s history as well as two World Cups.
In no particular order, Warne has slagged off, or effectively called Waugh a selfish c***, in two biographies, every second radio interview he’s ever given, a reality TV program, and literally every commentary stint he has done for Sky or Channel 9.
Evidently it wasn’t enough for him to get his message across, though, and he has announced plans to further entrench himselfin the media market as he launches his new channel, expected to be known as Bold Shane.
It is understood that an hour each evening will also be dedicated to his thoughts on Adam Gilchrist receiving the vice-captaincy over him, and why shithouse Victorian keeper-batsman Darren Berry would have somehow made a better Test player than Gilchrist, universally acknowledged as the best of all time in his role.
The show is under a working title of ‘Gilly You C***.’
Warne has confirmed that the new channel is currently developing a light entertainment quiz show called ‘He Said What?’ in which contestants will have to decipher what or who the fuck Warne is referring to when he uses slang terms like “cherry” [delivery] and “stick” [cricket bat] and nicknames that fellow players didn’t even realise they had like ‘Healso’ [Ian Healy].
Other shows expected to fill the airwaves include ‘I Like Mark More Than Steve,’ ‘Tubby: The Best Captain I Played Under,’ the light entertainment chat-show ‘Halfway Through A Test, Must Be Time For An Orgy’ and ‘New Temptation’ which is believed to be a variation on Deal Or No Deal, involving Indian bookmakers and briefcases full of cash.
Details are also emerging of a fashion show based exclusively around how baggy green caps look when worn to major sporting events, and another Warne project currently being shopped under the title ‘I Like Durries.’
“I like to think we’ve got a lot of good ideas on the go, we’re also talking to a production team about doing a show giving advice, on how not to run a charity, and how not to take banned drugs from your mum,” Warne said in the media statement.
“My personal favourite, aside from the 16 anti-Steve Waugh shows we’re running with at the moment, is a Funniest Home Videos style set-up except I talk the audience through my favourite You Porn clips.”

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